this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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