There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
