Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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