They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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