I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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