I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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