smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
