I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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