shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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