there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
