Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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