Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
