my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
