Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
