I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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