I will die if light touches me.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
