alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
