well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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