I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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