Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
