I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
