i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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