I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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