I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
