OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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