No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
