how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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