you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
