Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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