I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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