Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
