As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
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What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
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Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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