I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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