I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
