you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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