seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
