he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
