At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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