nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
