Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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