Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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