im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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