I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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