What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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