last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
