So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
