The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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