Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
