I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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