i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am available for nakedness
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
