my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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