I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
