The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
