woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
