five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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