Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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