she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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