ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
