just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
