Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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