I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
