why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
